Half Hope
by Malevolent Reverie
Summary: I am always burning. I am the sun. I am lava belching across grass, eating, chewing, gnawing life away. I am a force of nature and no one can control me. I can't control me. I always burn. An eternal flame in the night that dispels the shadows but threatens to rage out of control. I could destroy everything. Goku/Chi-Chi, darkfic, pair to "Half Agony" in Goku's POV
1. Chapter the First

**A/N:** This has been in my head for a really long time and I finally have the drive to do it. This is a pairing to _Half Agony_ and it's essentially the same story through Goku's POV. It won't be exact, of course. The writing will be choppier than _Half Agony_ because Goku doesn't strike me as the type who spends a lot of time on self reflection. I imagine his thoughts to be shift more rapidly than a normal person's. Some people won't like that and I'm sure I'll get flames for making Goku "too simple". Chapters will probably be shorter. This is a fun side project for me.

 **Warnings:** Strong sexual content, including non-con, and mild abuse.

 **Pairings:** Goku/Chi-Chi; everything else is also canon.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Dragon Ball Z or anything affiliated with it.

 **-MalRev**

* * *

 _You pierce my soul._

 _I am half agony and **Half Hope**._

 _{ Chapter the First }_

* * *

I am always _burning_. I am the sun. I am lava belching across grass, eating, chewing, gnawing life away. I am a force of nature and no one can control me. I can't control me. I _always burn_. An eternal flame in the night that dispels the shadows but threatens to rage out of control. I could destroy everything.

"Goku!"

The Green Demon is falling from the sky but I am _fire_ and I _burn._ My body screams in pain but the Burn sears through and I catch and throw and he eats the dirt. Power ripples through my muscles—power I was born with and don't understand and I _can't control it_ but if I fight it weakens to a flicker.

Piccolo comes back. I am a flurry of fists and my skin is armor. The smell of blood drives the Burn and I consider breaking him in half. I hit him in the gut—hard—and he gasps and chokes.

It's a blur. I taste victory, and a hole is torn through me. The Burn turns into an inferno and I come back and knock him down. I'm the winner. I win, I win, I win. I don't care about the cheering. I care about the win. I need Piccolo alive. I need to fight him more. I stop Kami. I fix the Green Demon. I fix myself. I am blood and sweat and fire.

My friends surround me, cheering and happy, and I am happy, too. The fire weakens and I can finally think clearly. Kami comes up to me with a big smile and I smile back.

"Goku, I'm getting old," he says. "What do you think about taking my job?"

I laugh and run a hand through my thick hair. "Uh, that's not the kind of adventure I want."

 _Adventure._ I frown and Kami keeps talking and I look around—I see her.

She's a girl. I think? She fights. I'm freshly 18 and I think most girls look the same, bit Chi-Chi feels different. I beam at her and her cheeks turn red like cherries. She's good. I like her. Bulma is wearing red lipstick and it looks like blood and I don't like it.

Kami asks again if I want his job and I'm nervous now. I want Chi-Chi to come with me. I call the Nimbus and grab her; she's light as a feather and wraps her arms around me. For the first time, I feel the Burn shift direction. I didn't like her grabbing at me earlier but it feels good now. Girls are still weird. Why do they put blood on their mouths, anyway?

Chi-Chi's head is on my back and my skin tingles. She sighs and I feel her heartbeat.

"I'm so happy, Goku," she murmurs.

There's a dress she needs. The fire roars to life and I bring her with me to save it. She's elated and so is Ox King and everything is good again.

A few days pass. I'm in a suit and I don't like it at all. I tug on the collar, irritated, and Krillin tells me to cut it out. I stop and mope. When will it come off? I hate clothes.

Then I see Chi-Chi and a slow burn begins within me. My needs become different. The man next to us drones on and on and I stare at her and feel lust for the first time. The fire trails along it like it's following gunpowder and I'm worried I might explode. But I'm bored with it all. I'm having a hard time pretending to care and my… wife? looks annoyed.

"You may now kiss the bride."

I'm so caught up in her that Krillin has to nudge me. Chi-Chi laughs and leans forward and I rub my head and figure we're supposed to push our mouths together. It seems gross but I do it because Krillin won't stop elbowing me.

The Burn snarls like an animal and I can't fight a violent urge to _grab her_. I snatch her. I squeeze her against me and hear muffled laughing but all I want to do is get closer and engulf her. She pushes back and her dark eyes study mine. I smile but it feels cruel.

It's torture, waiting for them to leave. Chi-Chi is _mine_ and I revel in it for some reason. The bad thoughts bother me—I've never had them before—and I drink lots of punch hoping it'll wash them out. I squeeze my eyes shut, shake my head, consider punching myself until it stops. I wanna grab her again. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna.

The glass shatters in my hand and buries in my skin. It's not a big deal. Krillin comes over and laughs at me while I pick the pieces out. I laugh, too. But I'm afraid.

The last person leaves. We're alone. I scoop her up because she weighs nothing (if she was heavy I would tell her) and bring her into the house. I set her down and rub the back of my head. I'm confused. I feel a need I don't understand. I consider leaving and finding someone to fight.

Chi-Chi kicks her shoes off and goes into the kitchen. I'm mesmerized by the house and I barely hear her call for me. I keep looking at the ceiling, turning in circles, and peek around the doorframe.

She's trying to unzip the dress. It's caught I think. I blink at her.

"I can't get my dress off." She turns in a few little circles. "Can you help me? Please be careful."

The sight of her rouses the Burn. I try to help but it's hard because my fingers are clumsy. I grumble to myself and she gets irritated and swats me away. But I want to help.

"C'mon, let me help," I say.

"No way, you're not careful enough. I think it's starting to come loose..."

The Burn is hungry but not for a fight. I twist my neck to restrain it. I _wanted her_. I stepped closer again, now very interested in unzipping the dress. She shoots a cold glare at me but it doesn't douse the fire. It's intrigued. It wants me to push her down.

"Let me help," I said again. "I wanna kiss like before—"

" _No_ ," Chi-Chi says in a strict voice. "You need to learn some patience. Go upstairs and wait for me."

 _Tear it off. Tear her up._

I'm afraid of myself. The words come. "Chi-Chi, I'm just trying to help you. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I won't rip the dress, even though I don't get why you care so much about it."

"You'll rip it."

"No, I won't. I swear I can be gentle."

She drops her hands and turns to me and pokes one of her long skinny fingers into my chest. The fire screams and rips through me and I am seized by it. I grab her and slam her into the wall and picture frames rattle. The fire is satisfied.

I drop her like she's the one on fire and I'm so upset with myself. "Gosh, I'm so sorry, Chi. Really, I didn't mean to push you like that. Guess we can't fight like we used to, huh?"

Fear is bright in her pretty eyes (huh… she was pretty the more I looked at her) and guilt floods me. But she's fine the next minute and _then she starts trying to unzip the dress again_.

"It's okay. I'll get this thing off somehow."

Oh no. This makes the Burn angry and it lances through me like a lightning bolt. I shove my fist in my mouth and gnaw on my fingers, struggling to control it. I stuffed my other arm underneath and squeezed until I couldn't feel it. Maybe if I cut it off I would be okay.

The fire compels me toward her but I rock back on my heel. Stop. Stop. "Please, Chi-Chi, I'm trying to ask nicely for you to let me help."

"You look pale. Maybe you should go to bed and we can—"

It snaps again. I become blind fury and I shove her into the wall like an angry animal. I hold her shoulders and a thought thrills through me: I could crush them. I could break her. I could… I could hold her down and… and…

My thoughts are too horrible for me to bear. I drop her again and stumble away and she's clutching the wall, terrified of me. What is happening? Why does the Burn want her?

I rub my head with my forearm. "I think I need some fresh air."

My wife doesn't say anything. She doesn't watch me go. I practically rip the front door off its hinges and stagger outside into the night. I don't call the Nimbus. I want to suffer alone. I scared her and it makes me want to puke. I wander off. The Burn is spreading through me like a disease.


	2. Discovery

**A/N:** Probably every other chapter will be a scene from Goku's past. Not sure tho.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Dragon Ball Z or anything affiliated with it.

 **-MalRev**

* * *

 _You pierce my soul._

 _I am half agony and **Half Hope**._

 _{ Discovery }_

* * *

I'm cold. I'm in my pod, an infant, and I have faint, fleeting memories of two people crying over me. It bothers me. I squirm and cry because it's all I know. I'm tiny but not fragile. I am never fragile. I am the Sun on Earth and I don't belong here. It's why the moon pulls me back to the stars. But I am far too powerful to give in, until the moon shines bright and round.

It feels… different than where I was before. I'm lighter. I sniffle and blink my tears away, waiting for an embrace, but no one comes. It's dark. I'm lonely and sad. The Burn is alight inside me but I am too small to wreak havoc. I suck on my tail like a pacifier and feel better.

"Goodness—what is this?"

I hear him and wail again, hoping to attract his attention. There's crackling sounds and the wind swishes through the trees. It's sunny, but the canopy blocks a lot of the light out.

Gray eyes peer over the edge of my prison and widen in surprise. I am more my mother than my father and I giggle and reach for him. I want the approval of Earthlings already. I need to be held and swaddled and loved, even without a head injury.

Grandpa Gohan looks around. "Hm. I guess you came from the sky, little one."

I'm desperate to be held. My lower lip quivers and I flex my hands open and closed, stretching, stretching… A pathetic Saiyan, but a true Earthling.

His warm smile is seared in my memory. Gohan reaches inside my pod and lifts me out, and holds me up to the sky. The sun is warm on my back and I squirm and laugh. I'm happy. I do not belong with him—which I won't learn until I'm an adult. The knowledge drives me to spend the rest of my life trying to convince myself that I am ordinary Earth, not molten Sun.

"Your name is Son Goku," Gohan says as the sun shines through my hair, "because you're from the sky."

I curl against his chest as he carries me home. I am the Sun, and I will consume him.


	3. Chapter the Second

**A/N:** HEY, Y'ALL. LMAO.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Dragon Ball Z or anything affiliated with it.

 **-MalRev**

* * *

 _You pierce my soul._

 _I am half agony and **Half Hope**._

 _{ Chapter the Second }_

* * *

I am a meteor—I crash and burn a few miles from the house. The wildfire inside me can't be controlled, even after I impact the earth and dirt fills my mouth, and I erupt from the crater. Trees tear out of the ground and I scream until I think I might explode.

I'm torn to shreds. I hurt Chi-Chi and it makes me want to rip out my hair but it also pleases the Burn. It's one of the first times my two sides war with each other, and it won't be the last.

The sky opens up as I fall on my knees and start crying. I hide the tears a lot, because I know who I am and I know my responsibility to be a beacon of hope and light. But I hurt my wife and the pain of guilt crushes me. I run my hands into my wet hair and scream again as thunder rumbles in the distance and lightning flashes. The earth around me is raw and torn.

The moon is bright and full. I drop my hands from my face to stare up at it, wondering why it always pulls on me; wondering why I don't belong with everyone else. I can see it in the faces of my friends when they watch me fight. They're having fun. I hunger for violence.

But I don't want to hurt Chi-Chi. The Burn wants her in a way I don't quite understand. _I_ , Son Goku, want her in a way I don't understand.

My stomach turns and I throw up, maybe trying to purge the impure thoughts from my body. I feel hot and angry, like I want to beat someone senseless, and I break out in a cold sweat. The rain lets up as I stagger to my feet in the crater. For the first time in my life, I feel ill.

I'm desperate to control the Burn so I start ripping into the trees I leveled. I snap branches off that are as thick as my arms; I punch the trunks until my knuckles pour blood. I run in circles but I don't fly. I'm afraid I'll go back home if I fly. I trip over a log, now starting to get dizzy.

"What is _happening to me_?!" I scream, slamming my fists on the ground.

I'm hot—I must be sick. Chi-Chi can help me.

I rub my arm across my forehead and I stumble back to my feet. I'm delirious. For a minute, I consider going to see Bulma instead. She has science stuff. She probably has a pill for me. But I want comfort more than medicine, and I want to be with my wife. I take off into the sky towards home.

The lights are on. I land hard on my feet and fall again to my hands and knees. I'm sick. That's all. Delirious or something. I wipe sweat away from my forehead and throw open the front door so hard that it breaks a hole into the wall.

I'm upstairs. I fling that door open to and it sends a crack spiraling towards the ceiling. Chi-Chi is sitting on the edge of the bed in the pretty nightgown. She looks scared.

I lean on the doorframe for support and it groans from the pressure. Sweat is pouring down me and I'm covered in blood and cuts and bruises. I look around the room and when I settle on my wife she gets back in bed and pulls the covers up until I can only see her eyes.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and slump towards the floor. Chi-Chi looks terrified. I'm probably more afraid of myself than she is of me.

"Chi-Chi?" I mumble. I can't see her very well, just her terrified dark eyes, so I'm squinting. "Chi, please help. I… I feel so weird… so sick." The Burn is in my brain and I grab at my head, growling back at it. "Please help me. I ran around and punched stuff for a while but… nothing helps. Please make it go away."

She slides further under the covers so I stumble towards her, scared and desperate. I cover my face with my hands and shake my head to try and shake out the Burn. I can hear her heart racing. I can smell the fear in the air and I don't know why. I manage to get to the bed and I collapse next to her.

Neither of us moves for a while. My wife is shaking like a leaf and I'm afraid I might burst into flames. I start crying again a few seconds before the phone rings. Chi-Chi immediately tries to get up but I want her with me. I grab her wrist and drag her towards myself and don't hide my tears.

Chi-Chi stares at me with mixed fear and pity. I tug her wrist again. Please help me.

She hesitates, but reaches out to touch my forehead with her long, cool fingertips. I close my eyes in relief but her arms snaps back and she makes a sound like she's in pain.

"What's wrong with me?" I ask.

Her wide, dark eyes sweep across the sheets now drenched in my sweat. Her mouth screws up a little—I know she's thinking and I feel the Burn boil in my heart. I wince and curl into a ball, whimpering, weakened. The bed shifts and Chi-Chi walks to the closet and takes a bunch of my training gis. She's bundling herself up in a sweater and I'm terrified of being left alone.

 _No, no, no, don't leave me please don't leave me help me help me!_ I panic and try to prop myself up and it hurts too much. I squirm around in bed and gnash my teeth. Don't go. I need you.

She turns around, runs a hand through her hair. She's trying to be brave. "Okay, okay. Um… okay. Can you walk? I want to bring you to the lake up the hill. It isn't very far so you should be able to make it."

Oh, she isn't leaving me. Relief floods me and I'm overwhelmed by how much I love her and my eyes get wet. I nod and struggle out of bed. Chi-Chi catches me when I almost fall. I'm heavy, I'm a burden, but she's strong. She helps me downstairs and outside, where a cool breeze ruffles through my hair and relieves some of the Burn. The moon is full and bright. So is Chi-Chi. I'm in awe of her.

I don't like being weak. We get to the lake and I can't walk anymore. I fall and I'm not supposed to do that. Deer are watching us, kinda curious, and my wife struggles to pull me the rest of the way.

The water is nice. Chi-Chi pants as she tries to prop me up but I'm breathing hard and slouch forward. She hurries to push me back up and looks grossed out by my sweaty shirt. My chest tickles and I cough and cough and can't control it. She dips her tiny hands in the water and peels off my shirt. Her cheeks are pink.

My eyes roam. She's sitting in front of me. Her teeth click—she's biting her nails. I want to lay down and suddenly, my pretty angel wife helps me lay down in the water. She turns a fraction of an inch and I panic and grab her wrist and nestle my head in her lap. I'm hot and sick. I want attention.

The Burn rages. I want… _her_. I wince at the bad thoughts and groan. Chi-Chi drizzles water through my hair but the Burn has almost eaten me now. Breathing get easier as it twists my insides and I scratch at the pebbles in the lake, _fight fight fight, don't… don't… don't…_

Her voice is like fuel to the fire. "We can call a doctor tomorrow. I'm sorry that I panicked."

It's a whisper now, and somehow that's worse. _I want her. I want her. I want her._ I… I do want her. She's cleaning me with water and I want to push her down and… and… I want to feel her from the inside.

"It won't go away," I say, more to myself than her. _Give in. Give. In._

"What won't? Do you still feel sick?"

No, not sick. Hungry. Strong.

I tilt my head back to look up at her. My eyes feel warm. Her sparkly black eyes widen and I cock my head a little and smile. We're married. I can have her. The Burn knows what to do.

"I've been through worse," I say. "You saw just a few weeks ago when Piccolo left me uh… a little empty in the middle. But I guess this is a different kind of being sick."

"You'll be okay." Her voice is _so nice._

I sit up fast. Chi-Chi draws away when I lean toward her, drinking in her dark eyes, wide and shiny like pebbles; and her skin, white and creamy like milk; and her neck, thin and graceful like a twig I could _SNAP._

"I don't like to hurt people." I'm talking to myself again, struggling. I turn my head. "I mean, I like to fight, but I don't want to really hurt anybody. That's mean. But… D'you think it's ok to want to hurt sometimes? To do whatever pops into your head and worry about it later?"

"You already do that. I haven't seen you think through many of your plans."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Chi." I scratch my head and smile and look into her eyes. My mind is made up. I'll think later. The Burn Commands. "But this feels like a really bad burn in my heart. I tried to ignore it but it won't go away."

Chi-Chi looks scared. I like it. I'm losing and I never lose. She shrugs and looks away, wrapping her arms around herself, and she's shivering. The Burn growls and snarls and she's talking about sleeping and I snap like a rubber band before I can think anymore.

Water splashes. Her sweater is ruined but she doesn't yell. I'm on top of her, powerful, the Sun in the form of a man, or a monster, or both? She shifts around and I stare down at her. The moon boils on my back. I'm looming over her and her scared eyes tremble in the dark.

I smile. "I don't want to sleep. I never sleep when there's a full moon."

The Burn Commands. I kiss her like before but _harder, because she's all mine._ Blood pounds in my ears. Her little hands cling to my shoulders and I tear them off to pin them next to her head. She squirms and I snap again. I'm afraid of myself. I try to pull back when I feel heat and Chi-Chi arches up when I burn her on the inside, forcing her to share the burden. She whimpers. I growl. We're both tainted. The Sun consumes.

It feels so good; maybe better than eating. The Burn swells and then it's suddenly gone. I'm so happy it's gone that I pull away from Chi-Chi and beam down at her. She looks angry and scared. Why?

I pick her up and put her on the grass and she lies down. Bad place for a nap. I put on dry clothes and stand over her with my hands on my hips. Didn't she feel the Burn fade?

"What're you doing down there?" I ask. "Don't you want to go home and go to bed? Gosh, I know I feel a lot better now." I laugh and run my fingers through my hair to get the water out.

Chi-Chi stares at me for a few minutes. I'm confused. She's shaking. She seems upset, but why? She's strong and nothing hurts her. She yells when I make her mad, anyway.

She sits up. "I can't walk."

I cock my head, lost. "Why not? You brought me all the way here."

She's strong. She can withstand the weight of the Sun. She doesn't need me like I need her. Is she sick? She doesn't have a fever but she's shivering. The water felt warm to me.

Chi-Chi jumps up and I stagger back in dumb shock when she slaps me hard across the face. She's scowling and shaking and I don't understand at all. Roshi told me that married people did what the Burn Commands, and the Burn is gone. She starts yelling and I shrink back in fear and wish I knew what I did wrong but I can't listen because I'm scared. I don't like seeing her upset and I fill up with guilt and sadness. I'm sorry.

"I'm… I-I'm s-so-sorry," I stammer out, covering my face to protect it from her bee sting slaps.

"That doesn't change anything! I hate you!" She throws a rock at me. "Go away and never come back! I don't want to see you again!"

 _NO, NO, NO. DON'T LEAVE ME. I NEED YOU. I CAN'T STAND ON MY OWN._

I'm terrified. I drop my hands and turn my palms to the sky. "Please, Chi-Chi, I… I couldn't help it! Sometimes I just can't control myself no matter how hard I try, and—where are you going?!"

Oh no. No. NO. NO. NO! She's walking down the mountain! She's leaving—she's strong but what if a big bear eats her?! What if the Green Demon eats her?! I chase her and grab her arm, pleading with her to stay, and she slaps me again. It doesn't hurt but it's scary. I keep begging. I can't say I need her. I'm supposed to stand on my own. The planets revolve around the Sun.

We're back at our little house that I love. She tries to shut me out and again I'm frightened and sad and my eyes get watery. Don't shut me out. Don't leave me. I follow her in and she throws stuff at me but it doesn't hurt. It's scary. Pain is the energy that fuels the Sun. I think I'm a monster. I'm not a kid teasing Bulma and playing with Krillin. I'm big and mean. I Burn and I don't understand it.

Chi-Chi is screaming. It hurts my ears. She runs upstairs and it triggers me to chase her. She grabs the phone in the bedroom and I take it, apologizing, because I don't want Bulma to yell, too. If… if I can just explain…

My wife slaps my chest over and over and cries and I'm beside myself with grief. We're so young. We don't understand one another. But I think I know what will help. We'll try again. I'll be nice. She's fighting—I use my weight to push her down on the bed and she screams about calling the Ox King.

"No, no, no, I didn't mean it!" I insist, shaking my head wildly. "It was burning so bad and I felt so sick. B-but let me m-m-make it up to you. We can do it here a-and I'll be r-really nice."

She shoves on my shoulders. She's strong. She's scared, but I know I can fix it if… she just lets me. She's writhing underneath me and my belly flutters. I'm stronger than her. The Burn flickers.

I twist my neck and fight back tears. The Burn makes me feel powerless. "Please stop yelling. It makes me burn more."

Chi-Chi has to stay. I can't do it on my own. I can't. I can't. I can't. Help me. Fix it. Fix me. The Burn Commands.


	4. Simple

**A/N:** I finished this a while ago and have no clue why I didn't post it. LOLLL

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Dragon Ball Z or anything affiliated with it.

 **-MalRev**

* * *

 _You pierce my soul._

 _I am half agony and **Half Hope**._

 _{ Simple }_

* * *

"Goku."

I'm a kid again, too powerful for my own good but blissfully unaware. It's warm in our little house at the base of Mt. Paozu and I'm having dinner with Grandpa Gohan. His eyes are gentle and gray. My mouth is full of food like always and I smile and still try to talk.

"Yeth?" I manage while trying to choke back my dinner.

Gohan smiles back at me and looks sad. "I need you to remember something."

I'm eager to please like always—especially because it's Gohan. I nod frantically and swallow a hard lump of food. The Burn is a glowing, pleasant warmth, and it seems to come from my tail. It twitches like it can hear my thoughts. All boys have tails, Gohan told me.

He gazes out the window. Sometimes he looks pensive and I'm not sure what to make of it. I hate seriousness. I want to catch fish and play with him instead. Life is free and easy.

"You must never go outside during a full moon." Gohan rubs his arm like he's touching an old wound. " _Never_ look at the full moon. Do you understand, Goku?"

Sounds like a weird request, but an easy one. I nod and go back to shoveling food in my mouth. I am happy that I can obey what he wants. Gohan teaches me, and he is steady and kind. I want to be like him. But there is something inside me that drives me to fight more than he likes.

He closes his eyes, already finished eating, and sighs. "You will do great things. I'm sure of it."


End file.
